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Classics Illegal activities of any kind are strictly forbidden - Sharnbrook's ICT policy Known Facts 23% of all photocopier faults worldwide are caused by people sitting on them and photocopying their butts Most apples are direct descendants of Grandma Apple On a graph of fact versus information, the line equals news. When i drive my car, i am not merely driving, i am participating in a conspiracy called traffic. I walk. ONE HUNDRED AND SEVENTY KILOMETRES PER HOUR! thats over a ton in english money! 75% of people who read this will attempt to lick their elbow. Note: I can do it. Jeremy Petit. Legendary bullshitter. It was this magical trip These paramedics were like aliens...they just arrived like this: whoosh! As per such (JP's lingotastic algebra: "as such" + "per se" = "as per such") I'm going to a cupboard Exactly different On trust of faith Quite possibly The chance of two apples being the same is infinite Don't rely on a dictionary - there isn't time to use one On order of merit of work er guys all the 'W's oi Fran! what that means is we're going to spend 5, 10 minutes on this and so on and so forth Mr Gentry... a quotesmeister of the highest quality Tell me he's interested in horses Je wrinkle ma bicyclette Bash! Bash! Cut! Slash! Put your hand up if you've done a number two Dark black Don't doodle in front of me. Look grateful, slobber! It's just gotta sort of flow out Jeremy Bloggs Oh, you're the one who doesn't make him custard Two hands? I want fifteen!! Dog dog dog dog dog cat cat cat duck is not a sentence Stop or i'll do something to shock you How about there was a cat in the classroom Louise doesn't like coffee, she likes chicken lol, oh no...i only have 2 hands here! except on Wednesdays Lizzie "not pink please its too sickly" Broomfield is caught in the anticyclone of depression. That means she hates revising geography. [told "Ding!"] Dong! come on baby liiiiiiiiiiiiiiight my fire Catherine "Super Cat" Barber is a 21st Century Girl. I think i was made in a caravan well.... i was left wiv all the thick stuff...my brother got all the clever jeans! they wont have sex without a baby (Bobby and Barbie) cat is NOT a twat what size packets do condoms come in? Caz Wilson loves to watch sex school on GMTV... especially the practicals Do i not have quotes yet? Can I have a bite of your banana? accidentally get raped, my arse! Josy Alison is not actually a rat queen, despite appearances. What does cheese mean? tb jo x Josy says: did u and Bobby talk the other day? Billy says: yeah, why? Josy says: Bobby just mentioned it Billy says: so obv. we did then (duh!) Tom Locke can't touch this... duh, duh-duh-duh. Don't you need to swallow to taste it? Tom Henderson is funny Monkey Fresh! says: man! lockestrap! (Ben says FLYING TWINS!) Shut up twatface Robertus Chinwold Is there such a day as Shagtag? Rat says: lol.. u have a bad memory Tom says: no.....just a lazy one the pork won't eat (referring to the difficulties of eating a proper meal when drunk and silly) Dan Gray likes food Mills' house smells like chicken nuggets If its wet drink it Shut up Bauling Rob Arklay, AKA Daddy Arklay to the Matty, Tommy, Ally & Alice Cubed crew. Pounds per square inch? How old are you?! [Pressure - sic] is a little bit more, y'know, 'hey!' Can you two see my bottle Like a scab, you've got to get the little bit off first My sister has toes impersonating pipsqueak Sarah Punter Sir! I haven't got enough time to write it down. Eeek! You're supposed to see bubbles but not from there The worst thing is i'm covered in oil I've asked you now twicely It dances to the tune of the likkle one : DANCE BIG BOY, DANCE : it says I haven't got the wrist action Matty? I'm quite attached to these bathroom scales Miss Hoare of Sertão fame drives dangerously when angry Mr Britter, ex-Head of Geography: Miss Hoare? Oh, she's gone home. I'll put it in her pigeonhole later What the Dickens does that say? It's a concept of using a whole idea It's what Mr Britter calls his 'warm air sandwich' When don't you go shopping? Chris Prior replies: when you're in bed I've got arms going all directions - snort! Chris take your top off Don't worry, i'll put it back on in a minute What is the crust made of? - Duff replies: "Cheese" EB(Ms Baldwin) said some of the most ambiguous sentences ever during RE lessons On your own, that means individually What's an Iranian? a 50 year old man who has lived for 50 years Which religion is Islam? America dropping a nuclear bomb on Japan was completely unjustifiable. It was totally out of order They would get shot if they got in the way of a bullet I never claimed I was a good teacher - I'm appalling use your noddle I'm gonna have four children Tam - monkey! That's discrimination that women have periods and men don't It's not that they were stupid they just didn't know I didn't have to speak my degree in German, even though it was in German history Everyone else who talks bollocks but doesn't deserve their own paragraph BW - I've got pigeonholes all over the place BW - I may not be able to find a slot that fits Mrs Fell - For those of you with your non-listening ears on Bitchy supply teacher - You're here to work TV Presenter - I think the Taleban have had it coming since they flew a plane into the World Trade Centre Nick Metcalf - They've got four legs, like fire - talking about squirrels...?! Ed Bateman - Ourumov founded Sony in Russia in 1692 Ed Bateman - talking about Miss Hoare - I'm going to do her DDL - She knows what I did last night Chris Prior - It wasn't my voice talking Mrs Basketter: No lined paper in the entire department. Alice: That's a bit of a bugger really Greg Roddick - Presumably used to interrupt anyone / thing Stuart Franklin: Louise, has he (Jimnick) bummed you yet? Robbo: I am the master. Jo Francis: No, you're the little boy who lives down the lane Robbo's maths tutor: Chris could you tell me how much is an eighth? Ben: I dont remember what was in this dream because I was asleep